In this episode of The Tactical Empire, Jeff Smith and Shawn Rider dive into the challenges of balancing work and family life, especially for men who feel unfulfilled despite outward success. They discuss the importance of presence, communication, and setting boundaries to create a healthier work-life dynamic. Jeff and Shawn also emphasize the need for self-awareness and identifying friction points causing dissatisfaction. Tune in for actionable tips on prioritizing what matters most.
In this episode of The Tactical Empire, Jeff Smith and Shawn Rider dive into the challenges of balancing work and family life, especially for men who feel unfulfilled despite outward success. They discuss the importance of presence, communication, and setting boundaries to create a healthier work-life dynamic. Jeff and Shawn also emphasize the need for self-awareness and identifying friction points causing dissatisfaction. Tune in for actionable tips on prioritizing what matters most.
Chapter
00:00 Introduction and Setting the Scene
04:06 Winning on Paper vs. Losing in Life
14:32 Balancing Work and Family Life
22:08 Identifying and Addressing Friction Points
@realjeffsmith (00:01)
Welcome to another episode of the Tactical Empire. am joined by Sean Ryder. How are you, sir?
@shawn_rider_ (00:07)
We are both representing companies other than this one on our apparel today. What are we even doing?
@realjeffsmith (00:18)
now. It's not very good branding.
@shawn_rider_ (00:21)
No, you know, we don't I don't know if our our podcast views on YouTube get as many as our our Podcast downloads on the app. So I think we are safe for this time
@realjeffsmith (00:33)
Yep.
Hey, that's okay. You're at least repping a brand that you own. I'm just repping a brand that keeps me highly protein and creatine and everything else. So.
@shawn_rider_ (00:40)
That is true.
Yes, yes. I know you don't like to talk about the weather, but it's fun because you're in my state. we had a had an all-hands meeting before this podcast recording and you're wearing like a hunting jacket. You're so cold in the 50 degree almost June weather of Virginia.
@realjeffsmith (01:11)
Yeah, I don't know what's going on. I don't know what's going on. I need to stay in the South until June.
@shawn_rider_ (01:15)
Perfect
Yeah, it was perfect Memorial Day ⁓ weather yesterday blue skies puffy white clouds a nice little breeze out here. It was great but today Today's a little fucky. Are you still in actually Gettysburg or did you make your way down here yet?
@realjeffsmith (01:24)
Thank you.
It's true. It's true. It was very nice.
No, haven't. Sunday. We don't travel until Sunday.
@shawn_rider_ (01:40)
Yeah. What are you guys, what have you guys done in Gettysburg yet? Or you, you're not there yet.
@realjeffsmith (01:47)
barely anything. ⁓ We have been like heads down working because we've been traveling so much. ⁓ What we do is like, we travel a lot, do a lot of things, go on a lot of experiences, and then we have to like, set up shop somewhere that's quiet and catch up on everything. And I feel like the last the last week has been ⁓ catching up on everything. And so
@shawn_rider_ (02:07)
Hmm.
@realjeffsmith (02:15)
We've been doing that, but we have been out and about a little bit, but nothing, nothing substantial. ⁓ we went to Harrisburg, ⁓ I believe, and that's, I went there one day and, ⁓ to Barnes and Nobles and hung out. And, this week we'll be going to actual Gettysburg and doing the whole history of Gettysburg. So.
@shawn_rider_ (02:40)
Well, Harrisburg isn't really, really too exciting. It's a dirty, dirty state capital.
@realjeffsmith (02:47)
No, no, it's not.
I will confirm that there's not much there. Yes.
@shawn_rider_ (02:55)
Alright, you got to see the Susquehanna River.
@realjeffsmith (03:00)
Yes, yes, yes. It's a pretty state. I didn't know it had so many mountains and stuff, which is cool, but we haven't done much though.
@shawn_rider_ (03:07)
Well, you're in the, yeah,
you're in central, central. I grew up in South Central Pennsylvania, so I'm south of Harrisburg. But yeah, mean, the Appalachian Mountains run right up, right up through the middle. That's why I actually, that's why I ended up going to Appalachian State because when I had season ending football injuries, my junior and senior year, I didn't have any football scholarships. So was like, what do I do now? And that's when I saw App State was on
ESPN for the D1 double-a national championship and I was like, ⁓ Appalachian State that's that's gotta be near me and I remember I remember I remember googling I remember googling it and it said Boone, North Carolina I was like where the hell's Boone, North Carolina eight hours from home It's the only the only school I applied to so lucky lucky I got in
@realjeffsmith (03:45)
Okay.
Well, it worked out. It worked out just fine.
@shawn_rider_ (04:06)
It did work out. Well, let's talk about what's not working out. Okay, we've had some fun social media posts recently and one phrase that I like that we've been using to kind of connect with the right type of men in the group and to get them in the group is, you're winning on paper, but you're losing in life. And I wanted to get your insights on what that means or what that may look like.
for the men that are listening to our podcast in particular.
@realjeffsmith (04:44)
think, man, I've been doing a bunch of deep dives on like virtues and values and things like that recently. And it totally aligns with what you're talking about with regards to ⁓ do you have opportunities that can make you money? And I think most of us go through a phase in life where we don't know really how to make money early on. And then ⁓ and then you figure out
Like I say it to the business owners that you say yes to everything because you're chasing everything when you're young in business. ⁓ And then what you find is that you're kind of unfulfilled and unhappy. And I think it's your subconscious or your like gut instinct is telling you that like something is out of alignment with regards to your values in the way that you're operating or.
maintaining those particular things. It doesn't mean it's nefarious or illegal or fucking anything like that. So don't misunderstand what I'm saying. It's just like something is causing friction with your ability to be happy and grateful and really, I mean, I think those are two different things too, by the way, because I think you can be very grateful for where you're at in the phase that you're in and also simultaneously be unhappy.
And so it's interesting dichotomy with regards to, okay, I'm producing all this money or we're having all this success in the bank accounts and the business and things like that. But again, are you over here serving the way that you should be with regards to your family and showing up the way you want to? Presence is a big one. I mean, we talked to a lot of realtors and jobs like that, sales guys.
you became successful because of your responsiveness on your phone. And now you've got a four year old pulling on your leg and you're staring at your phone because you have a reputation to uphold with it as a guy who answers your text messages. And that's a tough one, man. That's one I struggle with personally because like I am that guy. I am the guy who responds.
@shawn_rider_ (06:53)
Woo!
absolutely
@realjeffsmith (07:04)
to people all the time because like I, I'm gonna, I'm gonna get you a response because that's kind of how I built my reputation is being reliable or the person that can help you blah, blah, And, ⁓ and with kids that that's a tough one, man. Like turning it off is tough. And like, that's been my number one struggle for sure is presence and, ⁓ being able to shut down and put up any boundaries like that, because like,
Business is really my hobby. Investing is my hobby. Those are the things I enjoy doing. So it's a really weird conundrum. Because I used to play softball. I used to do all this other stuff, like hobbies, if you will. But I don't know that they were super healthy for me anyway. Because I played beer league softball and shit like that. And that's the type of thing that I gave up to have business and investing as a hobby. So I don't know.
I probably got off tangent on that. But I think that ultimately at the end of the day, when you're talking about these gentlemen that are winning on paper, maybe not, deep down in the depths of their hearts, ⁓ it probably is because of some sort of friction with how they built their business or the clients that they chose to take on. Fuck, mean, I think if you've been in business more than five days, you've had those clients that you took on that you should not have taken on. ⁓ And no matter how
much they're worth, they're not worth your fucking turmoil that they cause you internally. And so there's a lot of things like that that are out of alignment. Like we talked to business owners that had built maybe 50 % of the revenue and a big business comes from one company and they hate working with that company. And like that's a tough pill to swallow when you're like, man, I'm doing
seven, eight figures, whatever, and one contract is 50 % of that and they are the absolute worst people to work with. Making that pivot is a big deal, but for the sake of your personal wellbeing and your family and everything else, sometimes you've got to dig deep on that stuff and decide if you've got the cojones to turn that ship around and enforce some of those boundaries.
@shawn_rider_ (09:22)
Right.
Yeah, I think the phone thing's a big one for the listeners. think, ⁓ you know, I don't want to say it's work-life balance, but what we see from the people, the guys coming into the 90-day accelerator, ⁓ whether they actually go to work, like go to an office or out in the field, ⁓ or do it, quote, from home. Like, they can do it in both spaces. ⁓ It is a, I don't know how to turn it off, is what they say. ⁓
you know, this is what I've built my thing around. And for me, I'm very responsive. I control the social medias from a personal aspect. I made a lot of money by posting about money on social media. And then, you know, I altered my view on needing to do that. And the less I do it, the less DMs I get. that for me, that's a pull.
The more open and transparent I am and clear about what I've done, the more people get pulled to me. But I also know that that type of social media posting creates friction both externally but also internally. ⁓ My wife, if she was on the podcast, she goes, don't like you talking about money externally. And so for me, became, well, I'd rather make her happy than be posting about this. So I've altered that and I've had to
tweak the way that I say certain things. ⁓ And so that's definitely a struggle that I've had. So for me, comes down to like, I just had to like start catching myself when I said I need to or I should, right? If you're saying I need to or I should, put my phone down, leave my phone at home, leave it in the car, put it up somewhere when I get home, ⁓ turn it off, put parameters.
If you've said those things enough times, it's time to take action on it. So for me, again, I'm not nearly perfect, but like when I get to a point where it's becoming very apparent that I just am not doing what it is that I say I want to do, I will just leave my phone at home. ⁓ I think we went next door or something, yesterday for Memorial Day, and my wife was like, can you check your phone for XYZ? And I was like, I don't have it on me. ⁓
@realjeffsmith (11:24)
Thank
Hmm.
@shawn_rider_ (11:46)
And it's interesting if you've ever left your phone in another room of your house, like you literally feel it pulling towards you. I wrote that in my book, I wrote a book back in 2018 or 19, and I talked about in the book how like if you just do an exercise where you go and put your phone on the kitchen counter and go to another room like and just sit there, can you literally feel your phone pulling towards you? Like you want to go towards it.
That's not a good addiction that I felt. Maybe I'm the only crazy person, I doubt I am, but ⁓ I could tell that. ⁓ That's what I see. I see these guys that have built really big income streams, whether that's through working for someone or building their own business. ⁓ It's interesting, because we see their finances, and we know they're doing well, but if you didn't see their finances and you just talked to them,
it sounds like they're not. And like we're all about growth and we're all about taking your half a million dollar business to two million dollars, your personal income from half a million to two million. But ⁓ when you say you haven't been on a date in three months with your wife or you miss your kids softball games, ⁓ that's what I think of when I hear winning on paper but losing in life. ⁓ You know, we got...
either a t-ball game tonight or gymnastics, depending on how the weather holds up. like, I will be at either one, whichever one we go to. One, because I coach the t-ball team. Two, like only one of us, me and my wife, needs to go to gymnastics. Like, because the kids are, we don't help with that. Like, so we're literally just sitting watching. ⁓ But we love being there. And so, of course I'm on my phone while I'm there.
@realjeffsmith (13:32)
Okay.
@shawn_rider_ (13:39)
Like the kids go around the corner and do some exercise. I can't see them. So like I am checking my phone. I get an Instagram DM for one of the businesses. I'll respond. I'm checking the data, the metrics, but I think that is the trade off. if you're going to have more time for, and maybe you can, I'll toss a ball back in your court. Like you're traveling full time with your family in a 500 square foot RV or whatever it is, 300, I have no square feet. Like you still have to get shit done. And yeah, that might be at four o'clock in the morning, but like,
@realjeffsmith (13:56)
Okay.
@shawn_rider_ (14:09)
There's just certain things that you can't address at four o'clock in the morning, I'm sure of it. how does that look? How does that look in your life when you're doing it, I put air quotes here, when you're doing it right? Like do you just have to give yourself some grace and be like, I literally just need to do this thing right now for the next five minutes and just damn do it, even if your kids are pulling at your pants, you know?
@realjeffsmith (14:32)
Yeah, we're very communicative about it. ⁓ And my wife, thank God, is on the same page. And she does a great job explaining it to the kids because they're kids. I mean, they're disappointed, right, because they're kids. But for me, I always say that, like, OK, if if you let me do this, it will take me 15 minutes and then we can do whatever you want. Like play baseball.
@shawn_rider_ (14:45)
Yeah.
@realjeffsmith (14:59)
throw wiffle balls in 15 minutes. so like I always try to like, because yes, you're right, there is no balance, especially in the life that I built for myself, there's no fucking balance. But it is a trade off in the fact that like, we will drive to Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, and the kids may go inside to Barnes and Noble at one o'clock in the afternoon, and I may sit in the truck and do a zoom call for 30 minutes, and then I'll come in.
And like, that's just the, that's just the cost to do a business for us. ⁓ the alternative is what I go sit in a fucking cubicle from eight in the morning and sit in traffic and then drive home at five o'clock at night sitting in traffic. Like for me, it's, it's, it's a no brainer, but like, it's not fair to assume that your kids understand that type of trade off. All they know is their dad's around all the time. So.
when you're around all the time, that makes you 100 % accessible, right? And so for us, when I talk about boundaries, we have to put boundaries around that. Like I have certain times that I just like have to work and I try to be very proactive about that. That's where planning comes in, like hugely for us with regards to like laying out your critical tasks, laying things out the night before. I'll tell my wife what I have to absolutely get done tomorrow.
I need two hours of focused work tomorrow. And like, I can't, there's no way around it. And so like, she will help me make space for stuff like that. We can also explain that to the kids. We do a lot of things where we're like, hey, if we make this two hour window, whatever, go to the grocery store with your mom, go shopping and do all that stuff while I do this. And then when you get back, it's gonna be 1.30 in the afternoon and we can do
this, go to the pool or whatever. Right. And so we just do a lot of communicating. I think my kids are highly mature when it comes to that type of stuff. ⁓ just because we do overly communicate and explain to them those types of things. Like, and, and they know that shit costs money. They know that, like, they do a lot of things that cost a lot of money. I mean, they're, they're more and more
getting involved with money themselves. So they're more and more in tune to like, holy smokes. Like I do get it.
@shawn_rider_ (17:27)
Mm-hmm.
And you have
an oldest that's what 12 or how old is your? Yeah. I would assume that helps.
@realjeffsmith (17:35)
12, yeah. 12.
It does. It does. They're 12, 10 and eight and five and the 12, 10 and eight year olds are pretty well in tune. My son is eight and he's a little bit needy. He like wants me to do stuff with him all the time and barely pays attention to like social cues or anything else going on. Like he could walk in here right now and he'd just walk in front of the camera and start screaming in my face. Like let's go play with a ball and like oblivious that there's anything else going on.
and so he's not as attuned. The older girls are incredible though, with regards to that. plus they're like I said, they're also starting to manage their own money a little bit and they're appalled by the cost of certain things. They're just like, holy smokes. I can't believe you pay for this, blah, blah, blah. So that just reinforces what I need. So I'm like, I need more time. You see,
Like going out to dinner costs us $250. You understand that that is like something that we do. And I have to have a way to get that to show up in our bank account, right? And so they get it to an extent. But I mean, they haven't really known any different. That's part of the issue. Like they've never seen me go to work. They don't know.
@shawn_rider_ (18:50)
Yeah. Yeah.
@realjeffsmith (19:06)
It really any other way minus our oldest daughter who was 12. I mean, she was around a lot during when we owned the gym and stuff like that. And I used to work a little bit different schedule and I would go, it'd be gone. And so, um, but we, we just explained to them that like, that is the trade off. You can either have me all the time and have to give up some portion of me from time to time. There may be a time I have to go do a phone call here and there, but like the.
The benefit of it is we get to drive around the country all the time and I don't have to go to an office or be tied down to any one area. So they kind of get it, but it's.
@shawn_rider_ (19:46)
No, I get it.
For me, obviously, my wife left her career five months ago and I just tell her, she's realizing that you still fill your days and you'll still get to the end of the day and be like, what the hell did I do today? Or she'll get frustrated where she'll try and sit down and do some work and then it'll get interrupted either by the kids or the dogs or me or the neighbor or whoever. And I'm like, yeah, well, you can choose.
No one said either one was easier. It's like just choose your heart or choose the hard conversation. Telling my kid, hey, give me 15 minutes and then I'll be able to play. If they get upset there, that's a lot better than them not even being able to ask me because I'm out for eight hours. So they're all still humans, whether you're talking about your spouse or your kids. They're still gonna want your attention when they want it. But if you need to tell them, on.
@realjeffsmith (20:32)
Mm-hmm. Yep.
@shawn_rider_ (20:43)
15 minutes, 30 minutes, two hours, that's still a better trade-off than the alternative of what we've all come to, right? Like, I always refer back. I always refer back to teaching. do I wanna go back to a classroom eight hours a day? It was a great career, it was fine, it worked for me, but no, I don't. So, that's my answer. I would much rather have my daughter be upset at me because I didn't.
come out and grab the scooter immediately because I was running payroll or I was finally answering that email that I've already put off three times today because my son wanted to play baseball three times. You know, it's funny that you asked about wiffle ball because literally Sunday I was outside three different times playing baseball with my son. I absolutely loved it. The last time was 90 minutes. Like dude, he turns five next week. Like a five year old being outside playing, but I
I was all for it. I'm all for it. He's not old enough to like toss the ball back and forth for an hour. I cannot wait for that because I used to do that all the time with my brothers when I was little. But they do understand. I I tell them, like, please just give me 10 minutes. It takes a few times, but then they walk away. And then as soon as I'm done, I got to hold my word and I go up and I scoot around the neighborhood and it is what it is. So hopefully there's some takeaways for the guy. Little tactical cues there. Go ahead, Jeff.
@realjeffsmith (22:08)
To bring this full circle if you're not winning at home or something is causing friction for you, even though you've kind of reached a good financial standpoint or business standpoint, I mean, like the thing that you have to do if that's the position that you're in right now is you've got to create some separation and some space for you to do some thinking and you've got to figure out what it is that's causing that friction.
Like are you hanging on to something you shouldn't be hanging on to? Has your role not evolved as your business has evolved? Has your role not evolved as your family has evolved? Because sometimes guys, if you're trying to be fucking father of the year and business owner of the year, you have to understand that there's seasons to all this shit. So your business might be chugging along at the same pace, rate, everything that it's been doing for five years.
But your kids might be aging or you might be having more and more kids that changes your home dynamic. And so what you have to understand is you have to evaluate the changing of the tides and the seasons within your home. And then understand that what supported you when you were a single guy or a guy with just a wife and no kids is not the same version of like the job you can be doing.
the business you can be running at that particular season. And then you evaluate and you say, hey, well, my kids are three and seven and like, we, for the next four years, I want this to be my role in my business or whatever. As they get a little bit older, I want to do X, Y, and Z. And so like, I think a lot of people get hung up on that stuff because they, they just think that they're fucking the he-man that drove the business to a million bucks or whatever.
when they were 27 years old and they'll just soldier through whatever comes up. And like what you don't understand is that like with the changing family dynamic and everything else, it's, what's inside of you. That's pulling you into back into that role, if you will, not the business. So like, have to understand that like the friction that you're creating is internal and
And it's going to take some change from you and restructuring of the way you do things. And so if you're, if you're in that spot, you need to spend some time figuring out like what is causing the friction. Cause generally it's something that you're having a blind spot to right now or unwilling to give up or make another hire that you should have made already that you're just not wanting to for whatever reason. But so if you have questions, we can hop on the phone with you and help you vet that out.
I'm really good at that, actually. So give me a call, send me a DM.
@shawn_rider_ (24:59)
This is what happens on the one-on-one calls and it you know for Jeff and I it's two-on-one both of us on the calls with with 90 day accelerators and like It's very fun to see us pull out the what the thing that's actually causing the friction that They've been able to verbalize. Hey, this is happening blah blah blah blah blah, but they don't they don't actually acknowledge that as the problem They just think that's a part of the life. It's like no, dude
If you guys are letting your kids come and sleep in your bed and you're not sleeping well and it's because you have a double-sized mattress, get a king mattress. Like I remember, you're laughing, I remember that being when we did one of the breakout sessions at the Birmingham meetup. One of the new guys in the group was like, man, we love having our kids. They always end up in the bed in the middle of the night, but I'll tell you what, it's ruining my sleep. I was like, why?
because the kid takes all the blankets and I don't have much space. I'm like, how big's your bed? And I think they had a queen and I was like, buy a king. And he never, never thought about that. went home and he bought a king. And like for us, we're finding out like right now, just because this is the first time that both of our kids are in sports and.
@realjeffsmith (26:05)
Sometimes it's just so simple.
@shawn_rider_ (26:21)
They lined up on different nights, which is nice, because then we both can be at whatever sporting event we have that night. But now we realize this whole spring season, we've been driving back into town at night in the afternoon every single day. And we're already driving to town to pick our kids up. But we're not going to hang out in town for an hour and a half before practice starts and not have dinner until 8 o'clock. So we're driving all the way back out to our house.
we eat dinner or whatever and we wait an hour then we drive all the way back in. So the gas bills higher, the time in the car's higher, the kids aren't bitching about it but me and my wife are like, geez, this is a lot of time. ⁓ And it gets you thinking like, ⁓ well, should we live in town during this season of life? And it becomes a conversation but like, you know, and it's an honest conversation but it's like, no, like this is just for the spring season, we can.
We can skip a practice one night if we don't want to go back in or we can start splitting shit up or we can, you know, like we're finding other solutions. That's a friction point. And it's like, if you're getting upset about being in the car, well, which part is the issue? What can we do about it? then, you know, sports are done in the next two weeks. then like summer, we'll be driving into town, kids are out of school, we'll be driving into town one time, maybe two times in a day and that's it. ⁓ And so we're not going to up.
throw a big upheaval in our life and sell our house and move into town, but it is something that we've conversation about just because the age at which our kids are getting to now requires us to be in town more often than we have been used to with when we had a five-year-old and a two-year-old. Now we have a seven and five-year-old and they're both active. So anyways, hopefully you guys got some takeaways. Jeff, under 30 minutes, send the people out.
@realjeffsmith (28:13)
guys join our Facebook community on Facebook we get free Facebook community the tactical Empire community go ahead and hop in there if you want to send us a DM you can reach us on Instagram let us know if you have any questions about this if you do have friction I would recommend maybe sharing it with your spouse as well so you guys can find a joint resolution together because like Sean was talking about it's easier to work it out if you just share that like this season kind of sucks together and this is why and so like let's look for some resolution ⁓
So hit us up if you have any questions. We'd be happy to help. You can reach us on the Tactical Empire on any platforms. And if you want to get started in Accelerator where we both coach you, ⁓ that is 90 days of intensive coaching where we build your seven levels of financial freedom framework and also work on your business and life together. Let us know if we can help you with that. And we'd be happy to have you hop in the program. So have a great week. Kick ass and we'll talk to you soon.